I'm a blog slacker

It's a rainy Labor Day afternoon, and I'm trying to get motivated to clean out my studio. I won't be using it for a while, and Nate needs a place to put his stuff when he cleans out our spare room, which will become the nursery. But this is about the time of day when I start to slow down. I rarely make it to 9pm anymore before I fall asleep, usually on the couch (Nate is accumulating a small collection of pictures of me slumped over the sofa arm!)

Last week was rough. I had a little scare early in the week. It started out with a cramp in my side on Monday, which got so bad I went home from work after only being there for an hour. After resting the entire day, I thought I was okay. Tuesday morning I went to work and the pain came back again, just as bad as before. I called the doctor but she couldn't see me until Friday! By noon I was totally freaked out. I seriously thought I might have appendicitus or a kidney stone. I called the doc again and she told me to go to the ER. Luckily Nate works at a hospital right down the street from both our home and my workplace. He met me in the ER and they ran some tests. We were there for 5 hours! Everything turned out to be okay, and I'm glad I went, but I hope I never have to do that again! Luckily the pain subsided as the week progressed.

I seem to be having a more difficult time the further along I get in the pregnancy. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally. I find I have more expectations now...how big I should be, when I should feel the baby move and how often, etc. I worry constantly about everything. Am I eating enough? Gaining enough weight? Is the stress I'm under at work affecting the baby? I feel like I'm never happy anymore and I hardly ever smile. Thank GOD I have Nate to help cheer me up. If it weren't for him, I'd probably spend my days staring off into space. This morning I was frustrated because I thought the baby wasn't moving enough. I have been feeling little movements in my lower abdomen for about 2 weeks now, but not very consistently. At first I didn't believe it was the baby, I thought it was just a muscle twitch. Now I'm realizing it must be the baby. Nate put his cheek up to my belly this morning to see if he could hear anything and he actually felt the baby nudge him! It was pretty cool, and totally made my morning. Still, I only feel movement when I'm very still, like when I sit on the couch or sometimes when I'm in bed. I guess at 18 weeks the baby's still pretty small.

Well, I'll end on a positive note. I better get up and do something before I get too sleepy.

It has to stop

It is Saturday morning, the beginning of week 17. I am up before Nate, which has become the norm these days. I am lucky to endure the bed more than 5 or 6 hours. Usually by the time the cats get restless for their food (around 5 AM) my hips are screaming for relief. This means I have same bedtime as most 90 year-olds. Nate just got back around 8:30 last night from his week long training in Madison, WI., and I couldn't stay awake to talk to him for more than half an hour.

I don't know what we are going to do today, but I hope it occupies my mind for awhile. Pregnancy has been difficult for me, not physically but emotionally. I obsess constantly over things. I obsess about my belly. It's gotten bigger, but I am convinced it isn't the baby that's getting bigger, only my fat roll. I obsess about any little gas bubble or muscle twitch I feel--was it the baby? But I know it's not the baby I'm feeling, and then I feel miserable. I am envious of all the moms-to-be out there who are happy and excited. I can count on one hand the times I've felt happy and excited these past few months. Every time I catch myself feeling happy or content, I sabotage it with negative thoughts. Take yesterday for example. I was feeling blah, so instead of doing housework like I usually do on Fridays, I went shopping. I bought a pair of maternity pants, a few long-sleeve maternity shirts, and a pregnancy scrapbook. I was having fun! Then all of the sudden I thought, "why am I doing this? I shouldn't have bought this stuff. I don't really need maternity pants yet, and what if I go to my appt. in a few weeks and the baby's not alive anymore? Then I've just wasted this money." Isn't that the most morbid thing to think? What the hell is wrong with me?

When is it going to stop? When can I finally exhale? I hate this. I hate that I don't know what's going on inside my own body, I hate that I have no contact with my baby. I have no control over anything and I hate it! Most of all, I am angry at myself for not being able to be happy and enjoy pregnancy. I've always wanted to be pregnant, and now I am and I'm not having a good time at all!

Frustrated at work

It's the end of another long week, and I've had about all I can take. I hate my job for so many reasons, it would take paragraphs to explain. Today my boss confronted me about whether or not I would be coming back after I took maternity leave. He's asked me a couple of times prior to today, and I've always hedged around the question, but I finally told him, straight up, "NO". There are many reasons for this: schedule flexibility, cost and quality of childcare, and the fact that I've waited years for the opportunity to be a mother and I want to, well, be a mother! But topping my list of reasons is that I want to get out of the shithole that my workplace has become. I feel like I'm squandering my life and talents away there! There's got to be something else I can do, something better. The economy sucks, sure, but I've decided it's stupid to wait around for it to improve. Sink or swim, I've got to find a way to use my God-given abilities to make money. I just hope I'm smart enough and innovative enough to find or create an avenue.

One plus to hating my job--it's a great diversion from baby thoughts! Not as many thoughts equals fewer worries...

10 years

Today Nate and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary. We attempted to walk some trails at a local wildlife refuge, which we normally love to do. But today was blazing hot, and before long we were sweating buckets. We had several cameras with us, as we were also hoping to catch some wildlife in action and possibly find a few scenic spots to take some self portraits. I think today was one of the hottest days we've had this summer, and we didn't last too long!

After our short jaunt outdoors, we had an early dinner at Carrabba's (Italian grill) and watched a DVD at home. It was a good day--maybe not as adventurous as last year's wine tour, but still wonderful. I can't help pondering how much our lives have changed since then, and how much they will continue to change this next year. I look forward to these changes with a mixture of joyous anticipation and trepidition. It's frightening not to know what lies ahead. I suppose you could chalk it up to a slightly higher than normal propensity towards morbidity, but I'm not taking anything for granted. There are so many hours and days and weeks that lie between today and this day next year. Getting pregnant has made me ponder all of life's possibilites, both 'good' and 'bad'. It's easy to get caught up in fearing those 'bad' possibilities. But I hope to take advantage of those hours and days and weeks. There is so much to do and so many people to appreciate. My husband, for one. I couldn't ask for a better partner to share this journey with me. Life has been good to me.

Time to get some sleep--tomorrow's my Monday, so back to work.

Feel like I'm in a rut

Today I am 14 weeks, and for the most part, I'm doing well. My OB appt. this past Tuesday went well. I got to hear the heartbeat, and I was invited back on Aug. 18th to meet the new doctor. According to the scale, I haven't gained any weight so far...which is surprising considering my belly finally popped. (Still doesn't stop me from doing belly checks.) My appetite is great, although I get indigestion from everything it seems. I still don't sleep real well though. I'm okay when i first fall asleep, but towards the wee hours of the morning I start to toss and turn. My hips hurt from having to sleep on my side. I flip from the right side to the left and finally I just get up and sit on the couch in a half-reclined position and try to doze.

I'm getting around to telling the last of my friends and family our big news, and it feels good to finally have it out in the open. I should be feeling on top of the world, and there are moments when I do...but I think a part of me is still afraid to be happy. I read alot, which my CNP likes--she says it's good to be well informed--but at the same time I'm learning about all the things that can still go wrong. My latest fear is, of all things, having an incompetant cervix. This is where the cervix thins out and shortens as the baby gets bigger and the uterus pushes down on the cervix. It can cause you to miscarry the baby or deliver preterm. The scary thing is, there are no symptoms like bleeding or pain. I don't know how common it is, and I don't know if doctors routinely check for a thinning cervix, but you can bet I will be mentioning it at my next appt.

I am eagerly awaiting the first time I feel the baby move. I think it will be soon, especially if the baby continues to be as active as he has been when we 'check up' on him with the doppler and when we were at the ultrasound. Plus, the way I've been paying attention to every little cramp, gas bubble, and twinge in my belly, I am sure to notice a different sensation.

Until then, I'm trying to hang in there. Except for the aforementioned gastric malodies, it is so quiet down there. I keep telling myself that it's just a sign that everything's fine, but I don't deal well with sameness! Silly. Plus, my hormones and the fatigue are making me extra emotional. And work is depressing, but that's a whole other story that I don't feel like getting into right now.

It's time for bed. Tomorrow starts my work week, and it's sure to be a boring day (Sundays usually are). It will be a lonely evening, too, because Nate will be gone all day tomorrow. Once a month he does routine sanitization of some equipment for the hospital6 he works at, and it takes 16 hours. The plus side is, he gets Friday off next week, so we will have 2 full days together to celebrate our 10 year anniversary! Can't wait.

One third down, two thirds to go!

Well, I've just about made it to the beginning of my second trimester. I'll be 14 weeks on Saturday. My ultrasound last Thursday went well. The baby is a tiny but beautiful little thing, and was so fascinating to watch! He was jumping up and down like a little acrobat. My bladder was really full from all the water I had to drink, and I don't think he liked it pressing down on him! (I am using the masculine pronoun b/c it's alot more humanizing than saying 'it') I am so glad Nate and I both got a chance to see him. Even though the fuzzy, warm, reassured feeling I had Thursday evening is already wearing off, I can remember back to that day and tell myself that everything is going to be alright. Well, no guarantees, of course, but at least I know I made it this far.

My OB appt. is in 45 minutes, and I will get to hear the heartbeat again. I hope she can find it! Knowing I get the opportunity to witness that sign of life makes all the blood-drawing/peeing in a cup crap seem like nothing!

Gotta hit the road, more later....

Geekin' and Freakin'

My ultrasound is in an hour and a half, and I am so nervous! Luckily I had a busy day at work to occupy my mind, but now that I'm home, I have nothing else to do but wait. To top it off, I'm having some sort of gastrointestinal upset that started around 10:30 this morning, which has my stomach in even more knots than it should be. Nate will be home soon and then we will drive across town to the Women's Center for our appointment. I just hope everything's okay in there. I need some peace of mind!