Thursday, July 30, 2009
Geekin' and Freakin'
My ultrasound is in an hour and a half, and I am so nervous! Luckily I had a busy day at work to occupy my mind, but now that I'm home, I have nothing else to do but wait. To top it off, I'm having some sort of gastrointestinal upset that started around 10:30 this morning, which has my stomach in even more knots than it should be. Nate will be home soon and then we will drive across town to the Women's Center for our appointment. I just hope everything's okay in there. I need some peace of mind!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Can't wait
It's Tuesday night, and I'm counting the hours until we go to our ultrasound appointment this Thursday!
I am feeling a little calmer since the last time I wrote. After my last post, I got a Facebook message from my sister-in-law (the one who's expecting.) I wrote her back and totally unloaded on her, but, bless her, she just graciously wrote back encouragements. She may not understand where I'm coming from, but she is kind enough to hang in there with me anyway.
I am worried about my friendship with a close friend who I still haven't told about the pregnancy. We only met a year ago, but we hit it off right away, and spend a lot of time together. At first I didn't tell her about the pregnancy out of the same fear that kept me from spilling the beans to my folks too soon--I wanted to make sure the pregnancy progressed normally, and wanted minimal excitement/expectation, since I already had enough of my own to deal with. Every week I would make up some excuse to wait a little longer. To be fair, my other fear was based on the fact that she and I have both experienced fertility problems, and I fear her reaction to the news.
After my last OB appt. (at 10 weeks), I was ready to tell her. However, that same week an old friend of hers came to stay with her for two weeks. I felt like telling her in the presence of this friend was somehow imposing. This past weekend she left, and then my friend's grandmother passed away...so again, not the right time. I feel like a jerk. I wanted her to be amoung the first people to know about this, and now she is going to end up being one of the last! I can't help but wonder if she senses something is up and perhaps already figured it out. She's no dummy! That makes me feel even worse. I don't know how to make this right.
On the plus side, today was a good day. I went to work, went to the gym, made dinner, and had an invigorating conversation about politics with my husband. My appetite is back, and things feel relatively...normal! Seems like it's been forever since I had a day like today! I hope there are more to come.
I still snuck a few belly checks...couldn't help myself :)
I am feeling a little calmer since the last time I wrote. After my last post, I got a Facebook message from my sister-in-law (the one who's expecting.) I wrote her back and totally unloaded on her, but, bless her, she just graciously wrote back encouragements. She may not understand where I'm coming from, but she is kind enough to hang in there with me anyway.
I am worried about my friendship with a close friend who I still haven't told about the pregnancy. We only met a year ago, but we hit it off right away, and spend a lot of time together. At first I didn't tell her about the pregnancy out of the same fear that kept me from spilling the beans to my folks too soon--I wanted to make sure the pregnancy progressed normally, and wanted minimal excitement/expectation, since I already had enough of my own to deal with. Every week I would make up some excuse to wait a little longer. To be fair, my other fear was based on the fact that she and I have both experienced fertility problems, and I fear her reaction to the news.
After my last OB appt. (at 10 weeks), I was ready to tell her. However, that same week an old friend of hers came to stay with her for two weeks. I felt like telling her in the presence of this friend was somehow imposing. This past weekend she left, and then my friend's grandmother passed away...so again, not the right time. I feel like a jerk. I wanted her to be amoung the first people to know about this, and now she is going to end up being one of the last! I can't help but wonder if she senses something is up and perhaps already figured it out. She's no dummy! That makes me feel even worse. I don't know how to make this right.
On the plus side, today was a good day. I went to work, went to the gym, made dinner, and had an invigorating conversation about politics with my husband. My appetite is back, and things feel relatively...normal! Seems like it's been forever since I had a day like today! I hope there are more to come.
I still snuck a few belly checks...couldn't help myself :)
Sunday, July 26, 2009
My belly is making me bellacose!
I'm at it again. The worrying, that is. I've developed an obsession with body parts. From about week 6-9 of my pregnancy I was obsessed with my boobs. I was constantly worried with how sore or not sore they were, if they'd gotten bigger, etc. I have no idea how many times I Googled 'breast tenderness'and voraciously read differing opinions on whether or not the lack thereof was a symptom of miscarriage. Finally, after much reassurance from my CNP and others out there in cyberland, I let it go...
...And then I noticed my belly. The first sign of a baby bump came at around 9 weeks or so. I was enamored with this tiny bit of physical evidence of life inside. My work pants started to fit tight and if I wore a stretchy top, my belly fat poked out a bit. But my original delight has faded, and now (when I'm alone)I am constantly doing belly checks. Wasn't it bigger yesterday? Is it getting smaller? Is the baby growing? When will I actually look pregnant instead of slightly chunky?
I weigh myself at the same time each day, but my weight is still all over the place. I get excited when I weigh 1/2 pound more one day, only to find that I've lost a pound the next day. What happens if I don't gain enough weight? My morning sickness has all but disappeared and I'm eating fairly normally again, so I should see some weight gain soon. Maybe my bathroom scale is schizophrenic or something.
Funny, but I thought my days of being a worrywort were over. Before the pregnancy, I had done a lot of work "letting go" in various areas of my life. I believe that was what allowed me to relax enough to finally get pregnant. Seems like watching that plus sign appear on the pregnancy test was all it took to resurrect old demons. Now more than ever, however, I need to RELAX! Easier said than done.
...And then I noticed my belly. The first sign of a baby bump came at around 9 weeks or so. I was enamored with this tiny bit of physical evidence of life inside. My work pants started to fit tight and if I wore a stretchy top, my belly fat poked out a bit. But my original delight has faded, and now (when I'm alone)I am constantly doing belly checks. Wasn't it bigger yesterday? Is it getting smaller? Is the baby growing? When will I actually look pregnant instead of slightly chunky?
I weigh myself at the same time each day, but my weight is still all over the place. I get excited when I weigh 1/2 pound more one day, only to find that I've lost a pound the next day. What happens if I don't gain enough weight? My morning sickness has all but disappeared and I'm eating fairly normally again, so I should see some weight gain soon. Maybe my bathroom scale is schizophrenic or something.
Funny, but I thought my days of being a worrywort were over. Before the pregnancy, I had done a lot of work "letting go" in various areas of my life. I believe that was what allowed me to relax enough to finally get pregnant. Seems like watching that plus sign appear on the pregnancy test was all it took to resurrect old demons. Now more than ever, however, I need to RELAX! Easier said than done.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Morning yearning
It's Thursday morning, the last day of my work week, and I'm feeling frustrated and nauseous. I was on the road for work yesterday, and I think my food choices are haunting me. The nausea combined with a very tumultous night's sleep is giving me the overwhelming desire to call the boss and tell him I won't be in. But I know that wouldn't be fair to him or my co-workers--we're already so thinly staffed. Still, I feel like I need, if nothing else, an emotional break. It's been a long week, and I have a long weekend ahead. My parents are coming up and I will be telling them about the pregnancy. I'm still so nervous when it comes to telling people, especially those I know it will affect most (family, close friends). What if something happens? I'm afraid to get everyone's hopes up. After several years of trying and cycles of fertility treatments and tests, we'd pretty much given up on getting pregnant. This pregnancy is a beautiful gift that was dropped almost casually onto our laps by...who? God? It still seems too good to be true.
We found out that my sister-in-law is also expecting her first child. She's about a week ahead of me I think. She just got her first ultrasound and posted the pictures on her blog and Facebook page. Ever since I got a glimpse of what my baby should look like, I cannot pacify myself with just hearing my baby's heartbeat at the next prenatal appt. No...I, too, MUST see my baby! I need, if not reassurance, visible PROOF that the little pooch I'm sporting is housing something real. Plus, what mother doesn't want pictures of her child to show people?
We found out that my sister-in-law is also expecting her first child. She's about a week ahead of me I think. She just got her first ultrasound and posted the pictures on her blog and Facebook page. Ever since I got a glimpse of what my baby should look like, I cannot pacify myself with just hearing my baby's heartbeat at the next prenatal appt. No...I, too, MUST see my baby! I need, if not reassurance, visible PROOF that the little pooch I'm sporting is housing something real. Plus, what mother doesn't want pictures of her child to show people?
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Well, here goes
Hello! As my profile says, my husband Nathan and I are expecting our first child. Currently I am about 11 weeks along in the pregnancy. I started this blog to have a place to share my thoughts and experiences with anyone who's interested. I've never really blogged before, so I imagine this will take some getting used to. I spent most of the last hour just trying to create a profile (and so far it's pretty lame, I know), so tonight's post will be short. More to come soon!
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