It has to stop

It is Saturday morning, the beginning of week 17. I am up before Nate, which has become the norm these days. I am lucky to endure the bed more than 5 or 6 hours. Usually by the time the cats get restless for their food (around 5 AM) my hips are screaming for relief. This means I have same bedtime as most 90 year-olds. Nate just got back around 8:30 last night from his week long training in Madison, WI., and I couldn't stay awake to talk to him for more than half an hour.

I don't know what we are going to do today, but I hope it occupies my mind for awhile. Pregnancy has been difficult for me, not physically but emotionally. I obsess constantly over things. I obsess about my belly. It's gotten bigger, but I am convinced it isn't the baby that's getting bigger, only my fat roll. I obsess about any little gas bubble or muscle twitch I feel--was it the baby? But I know it's not the baby I'm feeling, and then I feel miserable. I am envious of all the moms-to-be out there who are happy and excited. I can count on one hand the times I've felt happy and excited these past few months. Every time I catch myself feeling happy or content, I sabotage it with negative thoughts. Take yesterday for example. I was feeling blah, so instead of doing housework like I usually do on Fridays, I went shopping. I bought a pair of maternity pants, a few long-sleeve maternity shirts, and a pregnancy scrapbook. I was having fun! Then all of the sudden I thought, "why am I doing this? I shouldn't have bought this stuff. I don't really need maternity pants yet, and what if I go to my appt. in a few weeks and the baby's not alive anymore? Then I've just wasted this money." Isn't that the most morbid thing to think? What the hell is wrong with me?

When is it going to stop? When can I finally exhale? I hate this. I hate that I don't know what's going on inside my own body, I hate that I have no contact with my baby. I have no control over anything and I hate it! Most of all, I am angry at myself for not being able to be happy and enjoy pregnancy. I've always wanted to be pregnant, and now I am and I'm not having a good time at all!